there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
