My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
