You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
