Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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