In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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