just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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