She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
