He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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