Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
