This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
