She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
