oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
