You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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