hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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