just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
