i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
