I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
