the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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