the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
