A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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