he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The beer is more important than you right now.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
