Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
