I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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