Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
