i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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