Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
