so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
