I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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