I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
