every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
