I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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