You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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