Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
