3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
