wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
