why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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