i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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