there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize