enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
