if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
As shirtless as possible
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
