Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
