we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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