6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
