Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
