the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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