i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
