im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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