Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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