There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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