Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
