Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
