guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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