Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
