dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
