I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
no. you can't hotbox the world.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
