if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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